I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize