Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
