Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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