if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
