He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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