Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
