This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
