Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
