the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
