I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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