Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize