I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
