why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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