also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
