o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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