Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
