if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
