Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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