Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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