where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
