Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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