i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
