Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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