tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just made my gag reflex go away.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
