Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You're like the curious george of whores
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
