No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize