she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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