I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize