Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
