I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
