you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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