I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
