guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
