I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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