I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
