I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
