the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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