dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
