My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
