What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Randomize
