remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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