You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
