What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
