I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
