You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
