i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
