Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
