It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
