The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
