I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
