im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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