Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
