am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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