College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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