My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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