Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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