y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
