I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
