Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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