if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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