So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
