he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
