You're my little dorito
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
All I want is dick and wine.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
