i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
