I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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