I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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