I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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