glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
