Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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